


Heart Over Mind

by sidebyside_archivist



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Intoxication, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-01-01
Updated: 2002-01-01
Packaged: 2020-06-26 05:37:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19761682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sidebyside_archivist/pseuds/sidebyside_archivist
Summary: It's Kirk and Spock's first Christmas together. Kirk tries to explain how Christmas is more than just religious symbols and presents under a tree.





	Heart Over Mind

**Author's Note:**

> Note from LadyKardasi and Sahviere, the archivists: this story was originally archived at [Side by Side](https://fanlore.org/wiki/Side_by_Side_\(Star_Trek:_TOS_zine\)) and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2019. We tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Side by Side’s collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sidebyside/profile).

_What is Christmas? It is tenderness for the past, courage for the present, hope for the future. It is a fervent wish that every cup may overflow with blessings rich and eternal, and that every path may lead to peace._

_\--Agnes M. Pharo_

= = = = = = = = = = =

_Christmas, children, is not a date. It is a state of mind._

_\--Mary Ellen Chase_

= = = = = = = = = = =

Kirk lay spent, tangled in the sweat-soaked sheets. His labored breathing was slowly returning to normal. He groaned as he rolled over, reaching one hand out to brush against Spock's mussed hair. "That…was…intense," he breathed.

Spock, still kneeling beside the bed, simply nodded in agreement. His body was covered with a fine sheen of sweat that glistened in the candlelight. "I think you have finally persevered against my superior Vulcan stamina," he conceded with an almost-smile.

"Ha! I can outlast you any day or night of the week, darling." Kirk pushed himself to a sitting position and propped pillows behind his back. He spread his naked legs apart and patted the space between.

Spock raised an eyebrow. "Again?"

Kirk laughed. "No, silly, I just want to hold you."

Spock crawled onto the bed and positioned himself between Kirk's thighs, resting against Kirk's chest.

Kirk absently ran his hands through Spock's hair; he was always amazed at how thick and silky it felt. He kept his hands away from the temptation of Spock's ears as he knew where stroking those would lead!

They sat in silence for a few minutes, before Spock spoke, "Am I to assume that we are attending the crew Christmas party tomorrow evening?"

"Of course! I wouldn't miss it for the world." Just thinking about it, Kirk could almost taste Scotty's eggnog and hear Uhura's melodic voice leading the caroling. "Don't tell me you don't want to go?"

"I understand the historical and various religious significance of celebrating Christmas; it is the revelry and party atmosphere that I find illogical."

"It's just…" Kirk struggled to put it into words. "It's a celebration of life and birth and a renewal of the unique spirit in all of us."

"Life, as well as death, is a constant in this universe. Celebrating it is as logical as celebrating breathing."

"You don't celebrate your birthday?"

"No. Though my mother did when I was young."

Kirk shook his head. "Spock, what am I going to do with you?"

"You had no problem with me a few minutes ago."

Kirk chuckled. "I meant getting you to understand the celebration that goes along with Christmas." 

They sat in silence again, Kirk lost in thought while Spock massaged his t'hy'la's calves and ankles.

"I think I have an idea," Kirk finally said. "I know you were only a year ahead of me at the Academy, but we moved in totally different circles. I have a story you might find, well, fascinating."

"I am all ears, to borrow a phrase I've heard from Doctor McCoy."

Kirk rearranged the pillows and put his hands lightly on Spock's shoulders. "It was my first year at the Academy," he began…

* * *

"Hey, Jimmy, do you think I've muscled-up any?" Tom asked he emerged from the bathroom, a towel draped around his hips.

"Mmmmm-hmmmm," I muttered.

"Come on, Jimmy, stay with me here."

I finally looked up from my book. "Okay, and what does that have to do with analyzing T'Stanik's `First Contact and the Galactic Repercussions'?"

"Can't you forget about school for just ten seconds?" He swept the book out of my lap, and stood in front of me, hands on his hips. "I know how important it is for you to do well. You've told me, and I haven't forgotten. But can't you just let go, just for a couple of days. It's Christmas break for fuck's sake!"

I sighed. "Okay, pose for me."

Thomas struck a classic body building pose, arms curved upward, muscles flexed. "You're right, your muscles are bigger." I smiled.

He beamed at me. "Yes!" he shouted and headed into the bathroom. Kenny, Amanda, and Rich were supposed to be over soon, and I assumed he wanted to be dressed when they arrived.

I picked up the discarded book and set it aside. Christmas break. My first year at Starfleet Academy, away from home at last, and how was I spending it? Studying in my dorm room. Yeah, just call me "Mr. Party Animal."

I hadn't lied when I'd told Tom I had to do well in my classes. I'd heard it myself all my life . . .

"You have to do better, James."

"Just look at George, he got perfect marks again."

"Why can't you be more like your brother?"

George Samuel Kirk -- sometimes I felt like I'd spent my whole life living in the shadow of my older brother. It was always the same old thing, no matter if it was from my mom, my dad, or my numerous aunts, uncles and cousins. Sam was the perfect one who could do no wrong. I was determined to break away from the same mold they'd cast me into, so I found myself taking, and passing, the entrance exam for Starfleet Academy. I might have bucked tradition by joining the "military", but some habits were hard to break. I was still determined to do my best and show my family that I was every bit as good as Sam.

Sometimes I just wanted to scream in frustration. Didn't anyone care about me? About who I wanted to be? I didn't want to be some clone of my brother -- I longed to be original, spontaneous, carefree. Easy to wish for, harder to do. Especially when you've had close to 19 years of "responsibility" and "duty" hammered into you. 

The arrival of Kenny, Amanda and Rich, and the aromatic pizza they carried interrupted my musings. Tom joined us, clothed by then, and we dug in. 

The five of us had all met in our Principles of Warp Theory class, and had become quick friends. I was the shy, quiet one of the group, Amanda was the daughter of a diplomat. With her blonde hair and blue-eyed good looks, people sometimes asked if we were related. Kenny and Rich were both on the engineering track, and were as different as night and day, in both looks and personality. Tom had been my assigned roommate since day one. Vivacious and a bit promiscuous, he was on the command track, same as me. Despite our personality differences, we got along quite well together.

"You know what we should do?" Kenny was saying. "We should go out and have some fun tonight. Off-campus for a change."

"Where at, in town?" Amanda asked with a grimace of distaste. San Francisco had a good number of hot-spots, but she'd already explored most of them.

Kenny grinned widely. "Oh no, not in town. I've got something better."

"Anything beats sitting around here watching some suckass Christmas move on the vid-screen," Tom put in.

His statement pretty much summed up the way all of us were feeling. Christmas break had seen most of our Academy mates traveling back home for the holidays. We'd all elected to stay on campus for various reasons, and it was quickly becoming boring. Well, at least for some of the group; thus far I'd been content to get in some extra studying.

"Well, out with it!" Amanda prodded, slapping Kenny on the arm.

"We, my friends, are going to crash a fraternity party!" He looked around at us with this goofy expression on his face like we were supposed to instantly start worshiping him.

"Hello, there are no fraternities around. What are you going to do, shit one?" Tom's sarcasm kind of grew on you. 

"No titswitch, we're going on a road trip," he countered, dangling the keys to the hovercar his dad had given him for his birthday. He leaned forward getting serious for a change. "U of C at Los Angeles is only a couple hours drive from here. Alpha Chi Rho is having their annual 'Christmas Slam!' tonight, and we are going to crash it."

"But it's a fraternity," Rich spoke up. "How's Amanda gonna get in?" 

Kenny slapped him upside the head. "Think, moron. Do you actually think that the biggest frat party in four counties is not going to have girls there?" He shook his head.

"I don't know--" I started to say.

"No!" Tom shouted. "You are not going to do this. If I'm going, you're going, and I'm damn well going! I'm not taking any shit excuses from you. You can let go and have fun for one goddamn evening, you hear me?"

Oookay. I was cowed just enough to give in. "I was just going to say that I don't know if I have anything clean to wear," I covered.

Tom grabbed my hand and jumped up. "Come on, you can wear something of mine. I wondered at the butterflies in my stomach.

\- * -

After an uneventful and short drive down to Los Angeles, we arrived at U of C, and the two story, Georgian mansion replica that served as Alpha Chi Rho's frat house. We'd been forced to park several blocks away. No one thought to ask Kenny how we were going to convince people we were U of C students and were supposed to be there. I figured that if someone asked me questions about my classes or where I was staying, I'd just claim a stomachache and run to the bathroom. 

"Come on!" Amanda pushed lightly on the middle of my back and I stumbled forward. I was wearing platforms, something I'd never done before, and it was going to take walking around in them for a while to get used to them. 

I was dreading this with every part of my being. I wasn't used to going to parties, to being in social situations. I was a wallflower to the core. I was beginning to wonder if Kenny had slipped some type of drug into the pizza. I couldn't believe I'd gone along with them of my own volition.

The inside of the house was ablaze with lights, and music blared from a small band set up in one corner of the living room. I could barely see them through the crush of people. Kenny and Rich had disappeared as soon as we'd got there. We had arranged to meet back at the car at 2 a.m. That would give us close to four hours to party.

I stuck close to Tom. I wasn't ready to be cut loose on my own, and probably wouldn't be ready any time soon. He'd dug up the retro platform shoes for me, along with black leather pants, a black suede shirt that was open almost to my navel and a black leather jacket. I felt alien - it was so unlike anything I'd choose on my own. At the same time, I imagined it could be pretty liberating, like playing a role. If only I could shed the years of inhibitions that I wore like a shield.

I followed in Tom's wake, one hand on his shoulder, when someone shoved me from behind. I stumbled into a guy standing next to me and almost knocked him over. Those shoes again! "I'm so sorry," I apologized, already looking around for Tom.

"No problem," the stranger said. I finally looked up at him. He had to have been the biggest guy I'd ever seen. Even his teeth had muscles. Recognition hit me then. "Finnegan?"

"Here," he said, shoving a cup of what I assumed to be beer into my hand. "You look like you could use a drink."

"Uh," I said, automatically taking the beer. I expected him to start pounding on me at any moment. Ever since the first day of classes, Sean Finnegan had shown himself to be a bully of the worst caliber, and had made tormenting me his sole purpose in life. "What are you doing here?"

"The same as you, I imagine, only I didn't have to crash. My cousin goes here."

"Oh." I would just put his jovial mood down to the spirit of the season and all that Christmas hooey, and get out of there, fast. "Have fun," I said and turned to leave.

"Hey," he said, putting a beefy hand on my shoulder. "What's the rush?"

"I need to find my roommate."

Finnegan laughed. "In this crowd it'd be like trying to find a Vulcan in…well, in a room full of Vulcans. Just stick with me, I'll make sure no one bothers you," he replied. Actually he was yelling, as was I. You had to, to be heard over the band and everyone else yelling.

He tipped the cup gently, pressing it to my lips. I only meant to take a small sip, but he upended the cup, and I ended up taking a gulp. I was not much of a drinker, having maybe two glasses of wine a year, and those at family gatherings.

I coughed, earning a bone-crunching pat on the back from my new-found friend. "Are you okay?"

I nodded my head vigorously. God, the last thing I needed was to show weakness in front of my nemesis. Now that the beer had gone down, and gone down the right way, I decided that it wasn't as bad as I'd first thought. Maybe one glass wouldn't hurt.

\- * -

"Where are we going again?"

"You said you wanted to look for your friend, right?" Finnegan was leading me at a fast clip through the crowds in various rooms. "You can look for him while I find my cousin."

I was dragged through so many different rooms, saw so many different people, my head started to spin. "Wait!" I shouted, needing to catch my breath.

"You need to rest? Okay, I'll find you a quiet room where you can rest." We were upstairs now, and he flung open the next door we came to. It was occupied.

"Holy shit!" I exclaimed, then immediately slapped my hand over my mouth. I never cursed like that. I blamed it on the second glass of beer I'd drunk.

The girl on her knees never even looked up. Neither did the guy in front of her.

Finnegan slammed the door. "Sorry." 

"Hey Sean, how's it hangin'?" Another heavily muscled guy came up to us, grabbing Sean in a bear hug and lifting him off the floor, something I didn't think was possible.

"Better'n yours, Squeaky." Finnegan grinned.

"Who's this?" Squeaky nodded in my direction.

"Oh," Finnegan grabbed my hand and pulled me forward. "This is Kirk. Kirk, meet Squeaky, my cousin."

I stuck my hand out toward him, and was rewarded with another plastic cup of beer, instead of a handshake. 

"Come on," Squeaky was saying, heading for the stairs. "Let's find Tiny, Scarlet and the others. I got a great idea."

Finnegan pulled me along after him. I sipped on the beer. I didn't know what the big deal about drinking was - this was my third one and I felt just fine.

\- * -

"Jimmy? What the fuck are you doing?" 

I tilted my head and looked down. "Hi Tom!" I shouted, waving down to the blur that I thought was him. I giggled and hiccuped.

"Get down from there before you break your neck," Tom ordered

"Don't be such a spoilsport," someone admonished him. 

"Yeah! Don't be a spoilsport!" I seconded.

I ignored the commotion below, and resumed the pose I'd affected, my legs dangling out in front of me, head tilted back, arms extended backward propping me up. I was perched atop the duranium University of California sign, naked as the day I was born. My feet weren't the only thing dangling over the side of the sign. It's amazing what four beers will do to a person. I'd lost inhibitions I never knew I had.

A head appeared over the top of the sign. 

"Tom! How'd you get up here -- you can fly too?" I frowned. No, that wasn't right, people couldn't fly. I looked down at the small crowd below. But how had I gotten up there?

"Come on, Jimmy boy. Let's get you down from here."

"Oh, Tom Tommy Tom Tom. I'm sooooooo sleepy. Just ten minutes, okay?" I lay back down and closed my eyes.

Tom grabbed my arms and pulled me to a sitting position. "Let's get you down from here, then you can sleep as long as you want."

I pursed my lips is disapproval, but allowed Tom to help me down the ladder. Once on the ground, Tom wrapped his jacket around me. "What in the hell were you doing up there?" he started questioning.

"I was just playing Truth or Dare with my new friends, Tom. Tom Pom." I giggled. I couldn't help myself. "Guess which one I picked?"

He ignored my question. "It's two thirty, Jimmy. We were getting worried about you." He looked around. "I don't suppose you know where your clothes are?"

Someone handed him my discarded clothes, and he took them with a terse, "Thank you." 

"Bye, Kirk. I'll see you around," Finnegan called out as Tom led me away.

I looked over my shoulder and gave him a thumbs-up. 

Tom just glared. "Was that Finnegan I saw you with?"

"Yepperdoodles."

Tom snorted. "What's got into you, Jimmy? I've often told you to loosen up some, but hell, you're the last person I'd thought would ever do something like that."

"I know, Tom, and that's what's so liberating!" I had to force myself to concentrate on what I wanted to say. "I didn't have to be staid, stuffy old Jim Kirk tonight. I could just be Jimmy, the guy who drank homemade beer and played Truth or Dare with Finnegan, Squeaky and the gang. I didn't have to uphold anyone's honor, or image, but my own."

"But that's not who you are--"

"How do you know?" I was thinking more clearly now. "How can I be myself if I'm so busy being who my parents and the rest of my family expect me to be?" I stopped and looked at him. "I enjoyed myself tonight, Tom, for the first time in a long time. Is that so bad?"

He thought for a moment and then grinned. "No, I guess it isn't. But you put yourself in a very vulnerable position, Jimmy. You were up there, drunk. What if you'd lost your balance? I'd hate to have called a med-team to scrape you off the street."

"I hadn't thought of that." I felt like crying.

"Just ease out of your cocoon gradually, okay? No more leaps off tall buildings. Or onto tall signs." He gave me a friendly hug.

I got the giggles again. "You have to admit, that was pretty cool, huh?"

"How many beers did it take to `convince' you?"

I scrunched up my nose. "Four, I think. Or maybe five."

"No more beer for you, young man." He started leading me toward the hovercar again. "Let's duck behind those bushes over there and get you dressed again. I think this is one story that we won't share with Kenny or Rich, okay?"

"Nor Amanda," I added.

"Nor Amanda," he agreed.

On impulse, I hugged him.

"Quit turning all sappy on me," he stammered, slapping me on the butt. "Hurry up and dress before one of the others comes looking for us."

\- * -

It would have been nice to forget that the night ever happened, only it gave me a taste of freedom that I'd never known before. I still buckled down to my studies, but I didn't automatically turn down the group every time they invited me out. I started borrowing Tom's clothes on occasion, and even took a big step and had my hair streaked with dirty blonde lowlights. My parents were shocked at first, but as there wasn't much they could do about it, they didn't raise too much of a stink.

Another side effect of that night was "the picture". Just my luck, someone in the group that night had a vid and caught me atop the U of C sign, in all my naked glory. Finnegan had been behind it of course, the two-faced s.o.b.. Kenny brought a flyer by the dorm room one night. He said Finnegan was in the campus rec room passing them out. There on the flyer was the picture of me, with a heading, "Sexy Coed Shows All." Underneath was a plea for the mystery man in the picture to come forward.

I almost died of embarrassment. Once the mortification wore off, I realized that it was titillating, knowing that tons of people had seen the picture. When I'd been naked, up there on the sign, I hadn't thought about being seen as a sex symbol, or being the object of some person's fantasy. I was just enjoying doing something so totally unexpected. Now that I thought about it, it turned me on, knowing that some girls, or even guys, out there might be looking at my picture and getting off on it.

I was called into Admiral Howell's office the next day for a formal reprimand. They didn't take too kindly to one of their bright and promising cadets being caught in that kind of situation.

My fellow cadets were surprisingly mellow about the whole thing. I took some good-natured ribbing for the next few days, then it all seemed to fade away. 

*

Kirk finished his story, waiting for Spock's reaction. He didn't have to wait long.

"Am I to infer that there is some moral or lesson to this story?"

"Yes, there is. I learned who I was that night. I realized that I didn’t have to please anyone but myself. I became thankful for realizing that before it was too late; before my parents, my teachers…even myself…quashed the wonderful, unique spirit inside of me. I decided then and there to be myself, no matter who that person was, and to hell with anyone who turned their nose up at me."

"And that is why you like to celebrate at Christmas time? Because your epiphany happened during that time?"

"Partly," Kirk answered. "I realized that it was okay to sometimes listen to my heart and not my mind on occasion. It didn't mean I was--"

"Illogical?" Spock supplied.

"Yes, illogical." He wrapped his arms around Spock and hugged him close. "I also like to celebrate at Christmas because I'm just a party animal at heart." He chuckled.

"I think I see your…logic," Spock said.

Kirk leaned forward and kissed him beside his ear. In a husky voice he asked, "Care to join me in getting a jump start on the celebrating?"

Spock turned his head, capturing Kirk's lips with his own. "I'm always ready to celebrate, as long as it is with you," he murmured.


End file.
